I am, again, rendered speechless by your ability to insert yourself in conflicts beyond your ken. In reading through your papers, I find a constant pattern of reasonable scientific research, regularly and dangerously derailed.

Use your mind, man! Assume every piece of advice you have here has some ring of truth. If such is the case, you have boggarts, likely effusing some corrupting toxin, at war with a higher level fey.

Her choice of foot soldier in this war? Birds, who when not on the front line, will be on the common grounds, window ledges, statues and public squares of the city, covered in the offal of fallen boggarts, passing this vile toxin on to the city’s inhabitants.

Do *NOTHING* to “help the poor boggarts” in this war. Whether or not anyone agrees with your claims of independent thought for boggarts, all can agree that they are vile creatures.

If you must insert your self into this situation, use your scientific training to understand the true cause of this war. There may be things in the park that, seemingly mundane to our cursory inspection, are vital to creatures such as these. Important enough to risk wide-spread death on both sides.

I would wish you luck, however you seem imbued with the good fortune only the truly heedless can command. Against my better judgement I have checked on your wraith — he is contained.

Sincerely,

– M. Van Allen

Forgive me, gentlemen. I have personally had dealings with this individual (expect a paper detailing the encounter soon. I imagine I shall place it as an amusing anecdote in my forthcoming “Upon The History of Alchemy”.)

Mr. Wiggins: Certainly you are aware of the exotic creatures being discovered by Modern Science even today in the south? Aves’ Lesser Mockingshrew is a fantastic mimic, as fantastical as it might sound, it can actually impersonate the words spoken to it, even to the extent of the individual’s voice. However, it is a simple echo, not actual conversation. Were I to say to it “Good morning, how are you?”, it would reply “Good morning, how are you?”. Aves speculates that it uses this ability to lure it’s prey close, giving them a false sense of security by hearing others of its own kind. Much like a duck hunter and their calls do. I propose that perhaps there is a subspecie of Boggart that mimics as well, in which case, a good find, dear Doctor. Roundbottom’s Mimic Boggart has a nice ring to it.

Not to worry. I understand the warning hidden in your humors. If these Boggarts were indeed intellectualizable, which we all know they simply cannot be, they would indeed arm themselves with weapons and try to kill us all! So, obviously, they are but creatures of a brainless nature, since we are not all dead. I too have heard what sounds like speech to the man who is opened to hearing such things, but our neighbor Gullywag explained that their mating call duplicate a cry for help. He also explained that if we do not thin them out they would overrun the swamp and when in great mass they could devour our daughters alive.

In our parts the local politicals have alerted us to the dangers of Boggarts and enacted a swift plan. They showed us drawing of their own making depicting how Boggarts could possibly secrete a toxin that makes good citizenry lose their moral judgment. Their cartoons are quite funny, yet frightening as well. You didn’t touch one of them there little critters, did you, Dr Roundbottom? If you are feeling some sort of compassion, or think there could be some logic to their speech, well, it’s most likely that you’ve been intoxicated by the unholy demons. At least that’s what Senator Kelliwammer explained in last month’s mandatory civic duty seminar.

Wellums, you do take care of yourself with all them Boggarts in your parts, but don’t you worry about us. Senator Kelliwammer has requested that our children gather all the Boggarts out of our swamps for swift elimination. A very ecological action it is, as our kidlings deliver those devils to the local potion makers. As a learned man you must know how soothing the oil extracted from Boggart glands is. Don’t let on I told you so, but it makes Mam’s skin as soft like butter. Expensive, but worth every penny. You see, Mam’s family has inherited lizard skin. I loves her anyway.

Well, anyways, you should have heard me before I realized you was jokalizing! “Oh goodness, our kidlings are murderizing a sentient species!” How silly I must have sounded.

Now, we don’t have any researchilizing sciencie people like yourself in these here parts. It’s why I’m so taken with your textygraphs and voiceygraphs. The things you do are so unusual for any man to contemplate. Guess it’s like eating those apples Rev. Dewlihinky talks about. He says you shouldn’t eat such things, though I don’t know who doesn’t like a good apple pie, but them kind of thoughts is not for me to think about. You see, it’s in the local charter in our parts. You’re nice people, but always joking and causing mischief with pranks like this. Senator Kelliwammer warns about the use of contraptions like your Informatitron, but we are too smart to fall for your shenanigans. Talking Baggarts indeed! You are a funny man. You should hear Mam chortle!

Do let me know if you’d like to obtain some of our famous local Boggart lotion. Mrs. Morstimply refuses to stock it for some odd reason, but Lester Walmert has two entire lanes worth at his store. Seems he built the store too big so he buys ten times more of things than anyone could need.

Oh, and I wouldn’t recommend purchasizing from the billards of “T.H.Morstimply” Goodness that man does post on nearly every tree in our parts. He’s the good Mrs. Morstimply’s husband. She’d divorce him, but it’s against the civic code round here to leave a husband. Even his white lightning is watered down to where it can’t even light a lamp! His own Cream Of Boggart Lotion is mostly linseed oil with maybe one gland worth of true Baggart oil. A good Boggart oil requires a minumum of 180 Bogart glands for 3 ounces, just so you can gauge your quality.

There are so many people out to do harm these days, but we are too smart for them, are we not, my good friend, and jokster, Dr Roundbottom?

Try MORSTIMPLY’S!

Ointments * Balms * Soothing Salves
T.H. Morstimply and Sons
92 Almbush Square

If I remember, the book was rather ignorant. It makes the absurd claims that boggarts are geophagic. What fools.

Should I find the volume, I will forward it along. Possibly with the head of the graduate stutent.

Cruelest of talons and eye of magpie,
Sundering, stabbing, scissor and needle,
She picks the bones of those she hast slain,
For treasures carried hers she doth claim.

Again, perfectly useless statement, but quite obviously a warning.

Oh, and one thing that I can tell you about boggarts, the rumors of them hording shiney objects is no myth. Fortuneatly, they are more attracted to the shine then the actual value, so even the cheapest of paste will do.

However, if Vandeerlu is right, then not showing it off too much might be wise.

Good to read a note from you again, my friend. You are of course correct–I must gather more information in this matter. I will report back with it when I have something worth sharing.

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you a quickened recovery as well. And you have my thanks as well for continuing to monitor the bound wraith. That is a burden I am happy to share with others.