Please tell me that you took heed of my previous postings. That you did nothing to alter the strategic balance in favor of the vile boggarts.

I await your answer with personal interest. Your recent findings spurred me to undertake an investigation of my own. In tracking a group of boggarts in a swamp near my home, I found a pigeon ritually killed and staked upon the ground — seemingly in a ritual killing.

Could a conflict of this nature range so far? My own home is 50 kilometers distant form the City. Please advise.

– M. Van Allen

I assure you I am most serious in my opinion that boggarts have the capacity for intelligence. Whether or not any individual utillizes this is another matter, however.

Your situation sounds grave. I hope for your sake that your boggarts are not armed as the ones we encountered last week. A solitary boggart is not dangerous, but in greater numbers, you should have concern for your family’s safety.

Fortunately, I have a solution. I believe if your son were to play back the the fourth, eight, and third syllables of the boggart chieftan’s speech, it should combine a word in their lexicon that indicates that they should disperse promptly. That’s the little bit of language I have been able to puzzle out studying my recordings and through later conversations with my boggart friend.

As for your chewing tobacco woes, I believe they are not woes but a boon. Recent studies show that the tobacco can cause serious indigestion when chewed. I’d recommend staying away from the substance if you value your digestive regularity.

Dimbain the second, my oldest son, has been confindeded to his room for the duration. He claimed to have taken your gosh-darn theory to heart, Dr. Roundbottom. He took one of Judith’s rag dolls, the one she called Molly Sue Pennywhistle, and covered her with all of my good chewing tobacco — after chewing if of course — making the doll look just like one of the little Boggarty devils. If he hadn’t have used up all my good chew, I’d have been quite impresserated with his artistability. Boy then claimed to have used the doll at the window to lure Boggarts over where he could learn some of their language. Well, when he started going on about how he now knew what all the fuss is about, well, I wasn’t having none of it. All my good chew! Off to his room he went. Boy is smart. A good ploy. You see, Dimbain the second always was good at leaning how to say things, so he thought I would believe he could learn to talk to Boggarts as well. He can cuss in fourteen languages you know. He has quite a talent, but lying is simply not allowed in my household.

Now little Judith is going on something fierce about Boggart rights and the like. Gosh and golly, now I need to find a good place to hide all the jelly and pickle jars from Mam so she don’t be knowing I ate all our Christmas desserts. Then I’ll go have a good stern word with Judith.

You don’t think Boggarts can really talk, now do you Dr. Roundbottom? I mean, that would sort of change things a bit. Bird woman? Just between us, I saw one of them once in a freak show that passed through the swamp. Don’t tell Mam. She laid an egg and everything.

Nows no disrespecting intentionalized, but Mam exclaimerized a similarioty you do possess to our own Phladius G. Hombinigans, a youngun who now lives in the deepest, darkest, most remote tribulet of our swampy areas. Phladius has an aromatics issue, you see, of a not too unpleasant a nature. Bsically, he stinks real good. Real, real good. He attracterizes the uncontrollable affections of any poor soul who gets too near. Quite embarrassing. Let me assure you, is is an odd transience of gigornamious hubris to be under his spell. (Did you notice my daughter Judith has been instructerizing me on wordages so that I might conversilize with youz towns peoples in more gentilmaneskly voicilizings? Mam is impressed. Says I sounds like some dandyman from a big village.) Well, for various reasonages, the very least of which being the many jealous husbands and wives, Phlady has fled our own locale to where no peoples do lives.

Nows, I do fears, Dr Roundbottom, Sir, you might be needing to avoids yourself of the habitations of the philanderous fay as well. They do seem to like you a bit too much. There goes Mam chortling again.

Now I must agreementalize with Dr. Ventius about the intelectualizingability of your Boggarts. You sees, just today, so that our kidlings playing outside with Boggart traps could get themselves some learnings, we made the voicygraph quite loud and moved our the voicy-mouth part to the window. And now it seems the local Boggarts are also mimickalizing the sounds of your Boggarts. They are now as loud and repetitious as the Prussians who live in the eastern swamp after they have had themselves one too many fermented melon ales. Our Boggarts seem to be gathering near the house now, and Mam is concernded that your own aeromatics, the ones that do so seem to attract the Boggarts in a rather randilishous way, might have come out of the Informatitron. I assured her it is not a smellergraph, but only a voicygraph. Do correct me if I am misinformitated. So, I must be assuming our local Boggarts are mimickalizing the voicygraph. The chanting does now seem to be a spreadin’ all across our good swamp, drawing nearer and nearer. Mam is insisting we gather in all the kidlings. I assured her there is no need, that it is just mimickry, but when Mam gets a wild-hair like this there is no discussilizing it.

So, do take care, my good Dr Roundbottom. Maybe when the kidlings are all gathered I’ll play the voicygraph again to entertain them and keep everything nice and calm in our own happy household. Shame the Boggarts are so loud now outside, but lucky for us I found me some plans that will allow me to make the voicygraph twice as loud using but a few household items and chemicals. I do so loves me these new technologics. They make our day-to-day so interesting and give me so many exciting new things to try.

It is highly unlikely that their spears are found objects–unless you know someone who makes and then discards little 6 inch spears tipped with flint heads?

While there is little doubt that there is a call-and-response element to their calls, the same could be said of the common wolf. Tool use? Tool utilization is more appropriate. Have you in fact witnessed their shaping of instruments? Or is it more like an ape throwing stones that he comes across? Even the hats and skins they decorate themselves with are found objects. The common green garden crab or the carrier snail do much the same.

While it is an interesting idea, I fail to see how the theory holds up under scrutiny.