Drear Dr. Roundbottom,

I am outraged! Not only to you consort with foreigners and fay, but your research is obviously being supported by scoundrels and thieves, as who else would besmirch the honorable family name of Morstimply? Morstimply, a family your readership thinks of as their own, a family who blesses us all with hard work and the very best “Cream Of Boggart Lotion” ™ available — a product used by even innocent little boys and girls. Obviously this evil organization hates children!

“Citizens Against Morstimply’s Snake Oil” must be a front, most likely that braggart elitist and know-it-all, Dr. Ventius. He thinks he’s smarter than us all, so you hate him. Got that? Those lies about my stealing his formula’s are ridiculous accusations! We never stole, we simply borrowed, like a poor starving grandmother might borrow a fallen apple from Mother Natures own bounty if found while working as a lab assistant to Dr. Ventius.

My lawyers will be contacting you immediately to demand you remove their advertisements. Let me repeat, we use NO SNAKE OIL! Not a drop! Boggart Oil, yes, along with additives to preserve freshness and reduce costs to the consumer. No skimping, only the purest forms of mercury and refined poppy seed derivatives.

Due to the on going Boggart war, we have been forced to raise prices. There is, after all, a Boggart shortage. But as good citizens, we will now be lowering prices and donating half our profits to the reelect Senator Kelliwammer fund, as only Senator Kelliwammer fights to make Boggarts more plentiful so we can better process their glands.

MORSTIMPLY’S CREAM OF BOGGART OIL
Good Citizens Simply Buy More and More Morestimply’s

With love,

T. H. Morstimply

P.S: I hear there’s an abundance of Boggarts in City Park. A research donation will certainly flow your way if you might have some street urchins crate and ship some my way.

Morstimply,

The Foundation accepts sponsorship from all manner of businesses in the city and beyond. We do not pick and choose. We can’t afford to. Should you wish to purchase sponsorship you may contact Miss Watkins for more information.

But as regards to your continued practice collecting boggarts for your oils, I am utterly disgusted. Do you have no HONOR? I have clearly demonstrated that the boggarts are as intelligent as you or I. Your continued harvest is tantamount to genocide. Neither I nor anyone in the employ of my Foundation will be assisting you in collecting boggarts for your murdering presses. That much you can be certain of.

But even worse, the accusations of scientific theft leveled at you are most troubling. A most unhappy fate awaits you Morstimply. You had best stay as far away from the park as possible. I’m afraid an assistant of mine who shall remain nameless has just let it slip to a boggart that your company is responsible for the murder of countless boggarts. I cannot be responsible for your safety if you do not heed this warning.

Dear Mr. Houndbottom,

A true humanitarian is someone that puts humans first! That’s me and Senator Kelliwammer. You are obviously nothing but a Boggart sympathizer! You may spew your hateful condemnation of regular folks like us for simply doing what is necessary to earn a living, but remember, I am wealthy because it’s my destiny.

You may fool some people, like my insipid wife, who has developed a Boggart free BOGGARTY-LIKE LOTION. It does not matter that it’s actually better than CREAM OF BOGGART OIL, because a man has to have principles and fight for his right to juice a Boggart gland if he wants to! She is but a woman, and does not understand.

Send your Boggart trash! Expecting just such a rebellion, I previously built an iron wall around my factory. Iron walls, as you know, can never be torn down! While I was originally going to start some new product lines and increase marketing, instead are diverting all our resources into protecting the factory and hunting down Boggart sympathizers! As I understand it, you associate yourself with some of the anti-humanity traitors we have discovered in our midst. It seems an underground organization, calling themselves “The Wiggins Clan”, has started a Boggart Freedom Campaign. It is being run by dastardly individuals with the unsavory names of Judith, Kipper and Pollyanna. They will not defeat us!

MORSTIMPLY’S CREAM OF BOGGART OIL
Buy It Before The Boggarts Kill And Eat Your Family!

Sincerely,

T. H. Morstimply

So then, Mr. Morstimply,

You do not deny the intelligence of the boggarts, and yet you persist in your slaughter? You are even more morally corrupt than I first suspected. As to the Wiggins Clan, I suspect you will find yourself matched wit for wit with those clever folk.

I will add that I do have newfound respect for your wife. Perhaps after the boggarts have dealt with you, she will take your despicable corporation in a new direction.

I shall speak with you on this matter no further.

I will be happy to join your boycott of the Cream of Bogart Oil! All creatures deserve a place to live on this green Earth, and if Mr. Morstimply’s product is causing harm to the Bogart populations, then it’s my moral duty to stop using it. I’m not sure I’m convinced Bogarts are infact intellegent, but either way, I will also recommend to all my friends to join me in this boycott!

Ms. Dove

For shame, Mister Morstimply! Destroying Sentient Creatures for your own personal Profit! A wall of iron can be torn down just as easily as any other wall, given the right Devices. True, the Boggarts may show a notable distaste for the material, but it’s become clear that there are many who find your genocidal tendencies to be abhorrent and worth taking a stand for.
As for your wife’s BOGGARTY-LIKE LOTION, I’ve tried it. It works wonderfully.

Doctor Roundbottom-

Having made a firsthand study of many of the lower classes of this city since my disgrace by the simple expedient of living among them, I find it curious that while you show a commendable objectivity towards the buckman and doewomen, you are so quick to dismiss the Hildesmen as barbarians.

It is true that superstition is prevalent among the Hildesmen, but as your own recent experiences may attest, there is often fact behind them. Indeed, in his Treatise on the subject, Proctor defines superstition as ‘a belief or collection of beliefs resulting from ignorance or fear of the unknown,’ whereas the Hildeman base their practices upon their knowledge and a healthy respect (in the same way one might respect a tiger, for example) of the Immataerium.

I urge you to take this into consideration, as you seem a most open minded and well-intentioned individual.

To Mister Mortstimply, I will only say this. The boggarts at this time posess neither the knowledge to present a threat to humanity, nor the inclination to gain that knowledge. I pray your foolishness does not give them that inclination.

I regret I could not make this response more in depth, but my time on this Informatitron is borrowed rather than stolen, and the proper owner, a man evidently of greater resources than one might expect from a heriditary denzien of the South Burroughs, seems to have slipped his bonds and is currently attempting to summon the constabulary.

So, for the time being, I must remain
Respectfully Yours,
Anthony Thornn.